it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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