I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
