Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
