Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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