Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
