Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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