just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
