why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
