I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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