You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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