i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
