its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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