if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
