Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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