Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize