ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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