Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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