My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
