Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this boner is exhausting
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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