I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
