I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm both gender and math confused
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
