he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
