At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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