i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
