Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
