the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
