Already got asked if we're dating
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
