well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
