I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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