I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
