My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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