apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
