Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
