Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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