I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
