Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
