When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
