would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
