Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
