Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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