I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
