Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
