I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
