That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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