I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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