For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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