I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
