just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
