I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize