in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
