Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
