I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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