Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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