I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
