I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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