don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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