I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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