There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
