He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
