so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
